I’ve never been much of a tinfoil hat conspiracy guy. Oswald killed Kennedy, Ruby killed Oswald, the moon landing was real, Vince Foster wasn’t killed by the Clintons, and the Dominion voting machines were legit.
Within our own community, there is a conspiracy I will no longer stay silent on. It’s real. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it.
Every fencer in the comments section has experienced them. Ref makes a call. Maybe it’s a simple one light attack. Maybe it’s a highlight reel behind the head/between the legs shot.
You post about it online, or someone else does, and within minutes—sometimes seconds…they appear.
The Yellow Card Mafia.
You didn’t see a yellow card in the video. The referee didn’t show a yellow card. There is no mention of a yellow card in any official documentation. But there they are, flooding the comments section with absolute certainty:
“That’s a yellow card.”
“Clear yellow for corps-à-corps.”
“Yellow card all day.”
“How did the ref miss that yellow?”
The Signs Are Everywhere
The Yellow Card Mafia operates with remarkable consistency. Their tactics include:
The Phantom Yellow – Insisting a yellow card was shown when video evidence clearly shows otherwise. For example, a fencer gets a clean toe touch, and the YCM chimes in “woah I can’t believe he bell punched him in the face like that.”
The Retrospective Yellow – Any touch, no matter how clean, can be transformed into a yellow card offense through creative reinterpretation of actions that occurred three tempos earlier. “Sure, he got the parry riposte, but the ref missed the part where the fencer used his off hand to slap the other guy in a face with a rubber chicken.”
The Preemptive Yellow – Claiming a fencer “should have already had a yellow” from an earlier bout, or possibly a different competition entirely. Some witnesses report Yellow Card Mafia members citing yellow cards from Y8 tournaments that occurred in 2013.
The Pearl Clutching Yellow – Declaring that a yellow should exist because a fencer got happy and celebrated, committed the cardinal sin of yelling, or got some kind of a highlight reel touch that would make Nick Evangelista cry.
The Quantum Yellow – The card exists in a multiversal timeline where somehow, Emperor Palpatine survived, Tony Stark is Dr. Doom, and Bruce Wayne never became Batman because Gotham solved crime with universal basic income and competent city planning.
Who Are They?
Intelligence suggests the Yellow Card Mafia consists of:
- Fencers who received a yellow card once and are determined to spread the misery
- The 2093092 people on the Olympic Festival team (which I’ve always been convinced was just renaissance faire)
- Possibly several very committed bots programmed by a disgruntled armorer
- Every single ex participant from the Fencing.net forums
- The fan that got punched by DK Metcalf
- Oswald, Ruby, and Vince Foster
- Classical fencers
The Grand Unified Theory
Some researchers believe the Yellow Card Mafia is actually a psychological support group for fencers who struggle with the fundamental truth that sometimes calls just don’t go your way, and that’s okay.
By insisting that every unfortunate touch was actually accompanied by a penalty card that would have changed everything, they maintain the comforting fiction that fencing outcomes are never about their own performance but always about officiating oversights.
How to Protect Yourself
If you encounter a member of the Yellow Card Mafia:
1. Do not engage with logic. They are not interested in your “video evidence,” or your “rulebook citations” because who needs those when the vibes are immaculate?
2. Never admit that a yellow card might be appropriate. This is interpreted as weakness and triggers a feeding frenzy where they will find seventeen additional yellow cards in the same phrase.
3. Counter with an equally absurd claim. “Actually, that was a BLACK card for existing while I disagree with you.” Then proceed to kick a barrier.
4. Accept that some comment sections are simply lost. Close the tab. Touch grass.
You Lose
The Yellow Card Mafia will never be defeated. They are eternal. They are everywhere. They are probably in the comments section of this very blog post right now, insisting that I should have received a P-Yellow for violations in paragraph four.
But we can learn to live with them, much as we’ve learned to live with other immutable facts of fencing life: broken body cords, that one person who shows up to open fencing with gear that hasn’t been washed since Jimmy Carter was President, and the knowledge that your weapon will break at the worst possible moment.
Stay vigilant, fencers. And remember: the absence of evidence of a yellow card is not evidence of absence of a yellow card.
At least, that’s what they’ll tell you.
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